Filed under: American, feminism | Tags: Choice Feminism, choices, patriarchy, strangers talking, Thanksgiving, transgress, unlined notebooks
As I slid into my café chair on Thanksgiving Eve, a woman in sunglasses leaned in and asked, “Are you cooking Thanksgiving dinner?”
“Nope,” I said. I was not interested in having a chat. I was there to write.
“What are you doing for Thanksgiving then?” she asked.
“Having dinner with my boyfriend and his parents,” I said.
“In a restaurant?” she asked, with horror.
“Yep,” I said. “What are YOU doing?”
And thereby launched a story about her kids and her ex and her ex’s wife and it’s his fault she can’t be with her kids and so on. I thought maybe she was done worrying about me, but no – no, she was not. She asked: “Don’t you know how to cook?”
And later: “You don’t have any kids? Why not?”
Everything about my life was wrong, according to this woman. Including my preference for writing in unlined notebooks. It was really quite extraordinary how horrified she was by each and every answer I gave to her questions. How could I not be cooking Thanksgiving Dinner? How could I not have children? How could I prefer unlined paper?
I know my life doesn’t make sense to a lot of people but usually that’s about not understanding The Arts or Freelancing. In this case, it was more basic stuff that horrified this woman. I had transgressed in her eyes. I was failing as a woman.
From this exchange, I realized that the things that seem to just be choices I’m making are actually mandates that I am transgressing. Women should cook Thanksgiving Dinner. Any woman out on Thanksgiving Eve is suspicious. She is not behaving as an American woman should.
If you’d asked me before, I’d have said, “Whether or not a woman chooses to cook Thanksgiving Dinner is up to her. It’s a lady’s choice to cook or not cook.” But my encounter with The Patriarchy’s Favorite Daughter illuminates that while my way of thinking is hopeful, it is not actually the norm.
Women can choose to cook Thanksgiving Dinner OR be seen as transgressive. For a lot of women, that’s not a real choice. Women cooking Thanksgiving Dinner is the norm and any woman who does not is in violation.
I know this from many other experiences in cafes on Thanksgiving Day. You know who is NOT in cafes on Thanksgiving? Women. It is very probable that they are not there because they are at home cooking. Or at their friend’s house cooking. Or at their in-laws cooking. I have been the lone woman in cafes on holidays more times than I can count. And you know what? There are men in my life who are sometimes at home cooking. Which can also be seen as transgressive in some circles but usually in a sort of celebratory way. It is similar to the way fathers are applauded for “babysitting” their children.
But a woman who does not cook Thanksgiving Dinner is suspect. A woman who does not have children is suspect. A woman who writes in unlined notebooks is VERY suspect.
This is why Choice Feminism is so problematic. When the choice is not really a choice but a question of conforming or rebelling, we’re not really experiencing any kind of freedom. You can choose not to shave your legs, sure – but you WILL be seen as transgressive. You can choose not to have children but you will be seen as less than, in some way. And sometimes you don’t realize the choice you made was transgressive until after you made it (or it was made for you.)
The patriarchy has very clear ideas of the lines you are meant to travel within (that’s why you should have lined paper, of course) and if you step out of them in any way, someone will let you know. Even a random tourist in a café on a Wednesday night in late November.
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